Perfectionism is something I’ve lived with my whole life – from childhood and aiming to be top of the class at school, 100% attendance certificates, working crazy hours in the office to complete every single task or project on time and to the absolute best of my ability. I always saw my striving for perfection as a positive thing. There was one element of my life, from childhood where I absolute wasn’t perfect – and that was my weight and eating habits. I was the chubbiest kid in school and I now know that my aim for perfection actually really held me back from even a very young age from tackling something that I didn’t know the outcome of or that I thought may be too hard to change.
My school report from Primary School (water damaged after the fire last year) tells the story very well – As across the board in academic subjects for effort and potential. I’m quite surprised at even getting a B for effort in physical education and games. I wasn’t particularly sporty and was often one of the last to get picked for any team games and rather than putting in extra effort or trying to improve, I just drifted along trying not to bring attention on myself and just getting by.
Early weight loss attempts
I attempted my first proper diet in my early 20s and followed a similar pattern for over 10 years where my perfectionist tendencies alongside my complete lack of understanding of nutrition and healthy eating meant that nothing ever lasted more than a couple of weeks (and in many instances, a lot less than that!).
I would start the latest fad diet which promised unbelievable results if you followed the crazy restrictive plan to the letter – I may last a week and see a big loss on the scales but I’d have spent that week starving, miserable and turning down every social event or situation in which I wouldn’t be able to follow the plan to the letter. Roll into week two, the thought of having to eat and live like this long term would fill me with dread but my perfectionist tendencies would force me to keep going but within a few days, I’d fall spectacularly off the waggon, maybe it would be a social event I didn’t want to turn down and I’d not learned anything apart from restriction so I’d go right back to my old way of eating and drinking, tell myself I’d failed and what was the point and then continue to overindulge and within a few days, I’d have put on any weight I’d have lost. If I hadn’t followed the plan 100% every single day, in my head that was a complete failure so there was no point in continuing.
The world isn't black and white - we spend most of our time floating around in the 'grey'
A perfectionist tends to see the world in extremes:
- black and white
- good and bad
- success or failure
However real life just isn’t that simple and certainly when it comes to weight loss, it can be really damaging and having that outlook simply keeps us stuck on the never ending rollercoaster of ‘on a diet / off a diet’ or ‘being good / being bad’ and for me personally, this was a huge lesson I had to learn as well as how to overcome it.
Perfectionism as a weakness
I came to see my perfectionist tendencies as something that was actually getting in the way of making changes in my life and moving forwards and if I really did want to lose weight, change my lifestyle and get fit and healthy, this was a big part of my mindset that I needed to work on.
Are you a perfectionist?
Does one or more of these statements ring a bell?
- I’m an all or nothing kind of person, I see things as extremes in terms of black/white or good/bad
- I set myself hard to achieve goals and beat myself up if I don’t achieve them
- I create strict standards or rules for myself
- I put off starting things until I know they will be perfect (or don’t start them at all!)
- The voice is my head is mainly self-critical and I focus on things I’ve not done well rather than things I have done well
- I have a fear of failure
- I have a fear of being judged and wonder constantly what other people think of me
- I have a fear of mistaking mistakes
- I have a difficulty finishing certain tasks
Tips to help focus on progress rather perfection
The heading of this section is one of my main tips right away – this is one of my favourite quotes and I have had it as my phone screen saver, a note on my fridge and repeat it to myself often!
Set small realistic goals – there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a long term weight loss goal however if that’s the only thing you are focused on, you really will struggle to celebrate and enjoy the process in the here and now. It’s like saying ‘I’ll only be happy when x happens in 1 years’ time’ and you don’t actually recognise or appreciate the impact of what the changes you are making are having every day. For example, one of my favourite memories of being proud of myself in terms of my weight loss was when I was well away from what would be considered a ‘healthy weight’, I bought a bright yellow size 18 rain jacket and wore it on a work trip to Chicago where, with a few hours free in between meetings, I went sightseeing on my own and asked random strangers if they would take photos of me in front of various tourist attractions. The whole thing was such a breakthrough for me – from buying a yellow item of clothing (rather than my standard black), to buying it in a ‘normal’ shop, to going sightseeing on my own and having the confidence to ask random people to take my photo. All of those were things I’d never have done before and though I was a long way from my goal weight, each one of those was a huge victory for me and I felt on top of the world.
Don’t expect to change everything overnight – it’s much better to focus on taking small steps and smashing them and feeling good about yourself than setting unrealistic expectations and then finding fault in what you’ve not been able to achieve.
A good example to explain this is if you decide to add activity into your schedule – saying you’re going to go to the gym every morning for an hour before work may sound a great idea but if you’re not a regular gym goer already, this maybe setting too high an expectation of yourself. Rather say I’ll go twice a week to start with and then when you achieve that for a few weeks on the trot, increase it to three and so on.
Learn to recognise when the critical voice in your head is taking over and put some steps in place to turn it down:
1) Before you go to bed each night, tell yourself well done for one positive action / choice you’ve made that day – start learning toev praise yourself rather than criticise yourself all the time.
2) Each time you have a critical thought or find yourself telling yourself you’ve done something badly, immediately counteract it with a positive thing you’ve done.
3) Celebrate every small win, accept every compliment you receive and keep reminding yourself of them at all opportunities.
Embrace your slip ups – I’m not a big fan of the word ‘failure’ anymore as I think the only time you really fail is when you give up trying so if you do slip up, it’s absolutely fine and normal – accept that it’s happened, it will happen again and the key to moving forward is to learn from it, spot any triggers or events that led to the slip up that you can plan better for next time or figure out how to work around them.
Repeat ‘no-one is perfect’ to yourself several times and also if you have a tendency to push the ‘sod it button’ after a slip up, being kind to yourself and stopping to have a think may very well help you restrain from throwing yourself off the track completely.
Talk it through with someone who understands and can help put things into perspective when you may not be able to. I think this is so valuable and knowing that there is someone who isn’t going to judge you or criticise you really does help and can flip your thinking and help you get out of that ‘success / failure’ mindset.
As a weight loss coach, I love helping people discover the best ways to reach their individual goals – from working on their mindsets and habits to help with nutrition and healthy eating advice and recipes. If you would like to find out more about my 1-2-1 coaching programme or how I can help you, please do get in touch.
Email me or phone/message: 07834 442607
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